An Intimate Conversation With Money
Because, clearly, Money and I have commitment issues.
Me: I cannot believe you are doing this to me. Again! You know it’s the beginning of the month and–
Money: Who is this?
Me: Don’t even try that bullshit on me. You know who this is.
Money: I was just playin’, babe. You’re so cute when you get all yell-y. But seriously, uhm– how did you find me? I was in Europe for the last few weeks, changed my currency and everything. I just got back an hour ago.
Me: Find you? We had plans, remember? You were going to meet me after I finished posting that essay.
Money: I never said that.
Me: I have the texts from you, saying exactly that.
Money: I choose to remember this differently.
Me: What the fu## —
Money: Can you back up? I can feel your breath in my face. We discussed this last time.
Me: Taking a step back.
Money: Look, you’re cool and all and we have fun, but you tend to hold on real tight until I feel like I can’t breathe. I wouldn’t mind coming around more if you weren’t so needy. It’s a problem.
Me: Needy? Are you trying to turn this around on me? I just want to know where you’ve been. I thought we had a good thing going. We were payin’ my bills, going out on tea dates, buying new books, and then you just–disappeared. I don’t like not being able to trust you.
Money: This isn’t about you not trusting me. Read the room–I needed a break. And you still tracked me down, like some stalker.
Me: Look, I can admit that I tend to get a little clingy, but that’s just because you always do this shit. Like, one day we’re tight and seemingly in love. And, the next day, poof-you’re gone. Maybe if you came to me once in a while–you know, slipped into my bank account unexpectedly–it wouldn’t feel like I was always chasing you down.
Money: It feels more like you’re hunting me down.
Me: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.
Money: I’m just sayin’, you have this all backward. If you wanted me around so badly, you never would have become a writer.
Me: Gasping.
Money: Yeah, I said it. You can’t get all chummy-chummy with Passion and then think I’m gonna stick around and watch. I’m not some sicko voyeur. And I don’t share. You’re either with me, or you’re not. You gotta choose.
Me: Why should I be the one to choose? You’re out every night, splurging on those finance tycoons and tech magnates. And, by the way, they could give two shits about you. They just spend and spend and spend. You know they’re just using you.
Money: Chuckles. I don’t even let those leeches spend time with their kids. One step out of line and boom–their AmEx won’t swipe at Nobu or Gucci. Even little Skyler’s elite soccer coach is asking for an alternative form of payment. Ever think I’m the one using them?
Me: Thinking.
Money: Look, I like you, but if you want to give us a real shot, it can only be the two of us. You need to be all in–just you and me. Passion has to go.
Me: But plenty of people have this kind of arrangement. Spend ten seconds on Instagram and you’ll find dozens of couples who look annoyingly happy.
Money: They’re lying.
Me: But–
Money: I won’t share you.
Me: Looking sullen.
Money: Don’t do that. You know I hate when you give me that look.
Me: Why can’t we just try? I think between the three of us–you, me, and Passion–we could have something special.
Money: The three of us, like a threesome?
Me: It’s actually called a throuple.
Money: A what?
Me: A throuple?
Money: A what?
Me: Geez–call it whatever you want. I just don’t think you should discard Passion before you’ve even met her. She’s so much fun. And when she’s around, life just feels worth living. She’s impossible not to like.
Money: Can I still call the shots?
Me: Were you always this controlling?
Money: Yes.
Me: Why don’t we all get together first? See if we vibe. Then, we can go from there.
Money: Fine. I’m off to Bali next week. Schedule us for dinner when I get back. And make sure to get us in somewhere bougie and romantic. Set the scene.
Me: What do you mean you’re off to Bali for a week?
This post was previously published on Medium here: https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/an-intimate-conversation-with-money-b18457573cce
Want to see my unhinged convo with Passion? https://substack.com/home/post/p-161341484?source=queue